The Kayak Incident

Gandalf's Lackey recently provided us with a post describing a kayaking trip he took with a Mr. Bob Barrett. The name immediately brought to the forefront of my mind a day that I will not soon forget. While the name "Barrett" will forever be linked with that day in my mind, I in no way hold Mr. Barrett responsible for what I am about to relate to you.

I guess this is basically the story of my first kayaking trip. It is also the story of my first encounter with a "strainer" (yes, I have had more than one). In nature a "strainer" normally occurs when a tree, or part of a tree, falls into moving water. The trunk of the tree remains at or near the surface of the water while the underwater branches wedge against the stream bed, holding the tree in place. As time goes by these branches collect debris. The more debris that builds up in the branches, the more debris the branches collect. Eventually it reaches the point where solid items are no longer able to pass under the tree, and get stuck. Water is still able to get through, but do to the large amount of debris in the way, the current is significantly stronger under the tree. Anyway, my first day of kayaking went quite well, until we came to an area where the stream was partially blocked by a strainer. Mr. Barrett carefully explained to us how we were to maneuver around the obstacle. Being last in the line of kayakers I tried to hold back while the others went ahead. However, when my time came to negotiate the obstacle I found out that I was caught up in the current and my kayak quickly came to rest alongside of the log that formed the top of the strainer. I attempted to paddle along the log, but the current held me in place. I became clear to me that my solutions for a water bound escape were slim. The log was actually quite large and I thought that is would be possible to climb onto the log and drag the kayak onto land where I could then put back into the water downstream a bit. It would have been a great idea had the current not, at that point in time, flipped the kayak over. Finding myself upside-down lodged under a kayak that was lodged under a log, I began to realize that the situation was somewhat more serious than I had initially thought, and had the most memorable moment of clarity in my entire life. I suddenly found that I had all the time in the world. I won't say that my whole life flashed before my eyes, but I did spend what seemed like a good bit of time thinking about my family. I then became very angry and remember saying to myself "Not Today." I then popped the skirt on my kayak and pulled myself above the water. Using the kayak as a flotation device I could still feel the current trying to pull me back down under the log. At this point in time my attitude was basically one of "screw the kayak" and I shoved that boat under the log which enabled me to crawl on top of the log.

It is amazing how exhausting such a brief moment of time can be. After some prying we were able to extract the boat and paddle from under the log, and I found my self, cold and wet, lying on the shore. I gradually worked my way back into the kayak and slid back into the water. I was pretty sure that I wasn't the only one who realized how close we all were to having a very bad day, but fortunately I also wasn't the only one who realized that I didn't really feel like talking about it. The only comment of the day came when Mr. Barrett paddled up alongside of me and said "I am soglad that you came back out from under there." I couldn't help but agree with him.

The truly amazing thing about this story is that, despite the "strainer," my initial kayaking experience was such a positive one that I have gone several times since. I actually just purchased an inflatable kayak from Wal-Mart which will undoubtedly provide me with countless more river adventures.

Tough Love Straight From Bavaria.

It is one of the odd facts of my life that I like going to the dentist. I like it because its a no nonsense business. You show up, get cleaned or drilled or capped an then go home. None of this junk about medicines and follow-ups, just straight forward teeth work. I especially like my dentist because he is all business. He never messes about with questions about family, or work, or anything. He checks your teeth, asks if you have any questions, and moves on. Good man. However, the hygienists at my dental office are a completely different story.

Imagine yourself as a traveler in the Alps. Tired and hungry after a long day's journey you check into a mountain lodge and are greeted at the restaurant by a large, boisterous, buxom, beer stein toting, bear hugging alpine mountain woman. Keep that imagine in your mind. I recently had a dental appointment. After a short wait in the lobby I was greeted by my hygienist (enter alpine mountain woman). She was boisterous, talkative, and did a very thorough job on my teeth. She was by no means gentle, and certainly fell into the "tough love" category, but got the job done. While I loved her approach to work, there was a slight problem. As my previous description suggests, she was a large and forceful woman, not "fat" exactly, just large. She had placed her tool tray above my head, and each time she reached for a new tool she would inadvertently (I hope) press her breast into my face. My initial thought was, "What is the protocol in this situation?" Being that my head was firmly pressed both into the head support of the chair, and into my hygienist's breast there was no chance for subtle movement. Removing my head from the supports would have pressed it further into her breast. There was a good chance that this may have angered her, and you don't want to anger a woman who is working with sharp objects in your mouth. In the end I came to the conclusion that if she was ok with it I was too. After all, she did a heck of a job on my teeth.

Why I Am Destined For Greatness

It is probably obvious to anyone who has read this blog that I am destined for greatness. In case you have any doubts, here is a list of people that share my birthday. I know that this had already been done on another blog, but as you will see my birthday blows those out of the water. I have divided the names in categories to assist you. So here is a list of people who entered the world on the 30th of November.

Politics/World History
By far the highlight of this section, and the list as a whole, is the Lion of Britain and the Defender of the Free World. Winston Churchill was born on November 30. I always felt that Winston and I had a connection. Albrecht von Kesserling, more commonly known as Field Marshall von Kesserling of WWII fame adds a little more distinction to the list (1885). Here are a few more:

G. Gordon Liddy (1929 and 1930)- That's right, there were two. One was a famous entertainer, the other of Watergate fame.
Andres Bonifacio (1863)- Led the Philipino revolt against Spain in 1896.
Oliver Winchester (1810)- Invented the Winchester Rifle.
Christian VI (1699)- King of Denmark and Norway

Sports and Entertainment
The shame of my list is, by far, one Clay Aiken (1978). However, he is easily balanced out by the awesome Billy Idol (1955). Also:

Des'ree (1970)
Ben Stiller (1965)
Bo Jackson (1962)- Bo knows football and baseball.
Dick Clark (1929)- The real Dick, not the robot that we see on TV every New Year's Eve. The robot was "born" on November 30, 1989.

Literature
All I have to say here is Mark Twain (1835) and Jonathan Swift (1667). As you know, Twain wrote pretty much everything, and Swift is known for "Gulliver's Travels" and "A Modest Proposal."

As you can see, I may just have the greatest birthday ever. If you need more convincing view this short list of events that occurred on my birthday.

1954- First report of a meteorite striking a woman.
1947- The beginning of the Jewish War for Independence.
1891- The first indoor softball match.
1839- Mexico declares war on France.

As final proof of my grand destiny I throw in the Biblical characters of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Their exact dates of birth have never been confirmed, so I'm going to go ahead and claim them right now. That's the whole list for you. You can make your own conclusions from it, but I know the truth. I do have to give a shout to my coworker "Hawk" Henning who, during the creation of this post, learned that he shares his birthday with one Saddam Hussein. Ouch.

It's Bastille Day!!!!!!!!

That's right my fellow bloggermen today we commemorate the day that the French conquered themselves! And what a fine job they did. You've got to hand it to the French, they know how to have a revolution. Here in America it was sort of a once and done thing. We defeated the most powerful nation in the world, made up some laws, then moved straight on to the fireworks and barbecue. In France they did it a bit differently. They had their revolution, then a bit of counter-revolution, then some rerevolution. It was best that way as nobody felt left out. Seriously though, you have to appreciate a country that annually celebrates a prison break. I have always been a bit suspect of the fact that Bastille Day happened exactly ten days after Independence Day. It really just takes the originality out of the whole thing. David Moncoutie celebrated his Frenchness today by winning a stage of the Tour De France. The crowd was very pleased. If only there weren't that pesky American sitting in the background with a bright yellow shirt on.

London

I was just talking to Nicole last night about how much I enjoy the British people. I had the fortune of spending some time in London in the past and found it to be a splendid town. I don't quite know how to describe what happened in London this morning. I guess you could call it a shame, or a tragedy. The best description I have heard was when CNN called it "the new normal." They are absolutely correct. Terrorism is a way of life in the 21st century, whether we like it or not. Over the next few days I am sure that we will hear people attempting to blame the bombings on everyone from George W. Bush to Michael Moore. Never forget that, despite the circumstances and encouragements that may have led to this new terror war, the ultimate responsibility lies with an international band of punks and bullies who hate any way of life different from their own and aim to intimidate the weak and destroy the strong until they achieve global domination. Unfortunately, our national conscience has become so politicized that the basic truths of this war cannot even be mentioned in public without a slurry of political backlash and slander. The simple fact of the matter is that the terrorists will currently explore any opportunity to attack anything that represents western civilization. If we were to remove our troops from all foreign engagements and pursue a policy of isolation the terrorists would explore any opportunity to attack anything that represents western civilization. Its not about what we do. It is about who we are. What we can do is live our lives and thumb our noses at these overgrown five year olds. Don't cancel vacations or lock yourselves in your homes. Attack the enemy by living boldly and pray that they someday get the message.

The Ultimate Prank

Yesterday at work I had a phone conversation with a gentleman who had recently fallen victim to the "flaming bag of poo." The guy wasn't all that socially savvy, and described it as "a small fire was left on my porch by troublesome youngsters." It was in that moment, while choking back a laugh, that I realized that the "flaming bag of poo" may just be the ultimate prank. When you think about it, the deed must have evolved over time, because it is actually the combination of three different pranks.

Initially I think that people probably just left poo on your doorstep. That would certainly get the point across. Then, probably with the advent of the Postal Service, the "poo drop" was combined with the traditional "knock and run." This prank alone would have been quite brilliant. Imagine some early settler resting his feet after a long day of oppressing indigenous peoples when he hears a knock at the door. "Why it must be a package from that new Postal Service" he excitedly thinks to himself as he opens the door. But, Alas there is no package, only poo.

The bag was probably always a part of poo pranks because the prankster would need a clean way to deliver his product. With the addition of the "knock and run" to the scenario the bag was simply left with the poo for two reasons. 1) Time. "Knock and run" doesn't provide the deliverer a large amount of time to empty a bag before running. 2) Surprise. With the poo now in a bag it could be hoped that the bag would be taken into the home before revealing its surprise.

Fire also became involved for a number of reasons. 1) You can only put an immature male and a paper bag together for so long before one of them gets set on fire. 2) Someone initially thought to set the pile of poo on fire. I sort of wish that this prank had remained in its current form, because the prankee was now faced with the decision of letting the fire burn, or knowingly stomping on a pile of poo. Classic. However time and cleanliness probably intervened here to give us the "flaming bag of poo" as we know it.

As I said before, yesterday I thought that the "flaming bag of poo" was the ultimate prank, but today I discovered this. Ignoring the fact that they are a bunch of French socialists, and that they are disrupting the greatest sport in the world, this may be the ultimate prank. You've also gotta love a donkey named "Jujube." Anyway, I'm sure it won't be long until some public event angers me, so get your donkey ridin' boots on boys.