Aha! My Exploits Have Not Gone Unnoticed!

I apologize to my readers for the delay in posts, but I had some time off and took a short jaunt around the country (more precisely, to Washington DC and back). Upon my return I was very much dismayed to find a comment on my blog from a Mr. "Brechty." I had previously been under the belief that I had been rid of the plague of my life some time ago, but it appears that God has different plans in mind, and so it shall begin again. Make no mistake "Brechty," I despise your meddling more than that of Ebola itself. You want me to tell them about the squirrels? Very well, you asked for it.

In my college years I had a friend. To be accurate, I had several friends, but only one caused the events that I will now describe for you. This friend was a swarmy fellow, who enjoyed hockey, played pool poorly, and received frequent beatings from his sister when his friends were around, we will call him "Brechty." Around the same time I had another friend, a quite attractive friend who liked to view herself as a princess. Princess, although being beautiful, was totally insane. This insanity manifested itself in several ways, the most common of which was her tendency to fall in love with someone new at the start of each semester. As it turns out, during the semester in question, Princess chose Brechty as the new object of her affection. As I have said, Princess was insane, but beauty can camouflage a myriad of maladies and in this manner Brechty found himself temporarily smittened.

Usually when a friend finds love you are happy for them, despite the circumstances. Unfortunately for myself and Brechty, the circumstances went far beyond Princess' insanity. During the previous semester, Princess had found a new love in her usual manner, and as odd as it may seem, this new love was the king of the campus tribe of squirrels. This king did not take well to the fact that Princess had found a new love, and vowed revenge on our dear friend Brechty.

Squirrel protocol dictates that when a matter of dispute arises the offended party must make a public decree of offense, and issue a challenge to resolve the issue. These challenges are normally along the lines of tree climbing, limb jumping, acorn throwing, or, in extreme cases, face chewing. However, since Brechty was something of a swarmy fellow, and was frequently beaten by his sister, the squirrel king felt that he had a strong chance of defeating Brechty in hand to small paw combat. The king made his public decree of offense and challenged Brechty to combat at dawn. Brechty viewed this decree as something of a joke, and simply did not show up at dawn. After all, what could one squirrel do?

As it turns out, squirrel protocol is quite complex, and dictates that unanswered challenges are to be treated as an offense to the entire tribe. It then becomes the duty of the entire tribe to settle the score. And so it came to pass that one night, as Brechty was leaving campus after an evening class, he was set upon by a marauding band of squirrels. They captured him, took him to their king, and did unspeakable things to him (yes, face biting did occur). The next morning I arrived on campus to find my good friend shivering and broken, tied to a tree in front of the dining hall wearing nothing but his underpants. Myself and other friends, Princess being nowhere to be found, gathered Brechty together and took him into the dining hall for some warmth and food.

As we sat there, nursing Brechty back to health, I happened to glance out the window and saw a gathering of the squirrel tribe snickering at my friend, and saluting their king. Enraged, I grabbed a motorcycle helmet from my friend Dusty (imagine the kid on Fat Albert that couldn't talk), and charged into the quad. I stood in front of the tribe, motorcycle helmet clad, and stated that they had offended mankind, and must pay for their actions. I was immediately set upon by tenacious varmints and defeated them with my bowstaff skills and through the use of the "Hammer," "Flying Hammer," and "Super Hammer." Squirrels flew through the air as I waded deep into their ranks. It did not take long to reach their king, who fled in cowardice. As I pursued him across the quad, my friends emerged from the dining hall to see me chasing a squirrel about the ground. They found it quite hilarious, but I tell you, to this day squirrels tremble at the name of Rover Sanchez.

In those olden days, Brechty and I were friends, but the tales of the squirrel wars spread quickly, and Princess' eyes fell upon a new love, myself. I paid her no heed, as her flaws had been exposed, but this nevertheless bothered Brechty and our friendship turned sour. Many events have led me to despise my former friend as I now do, but those are tales for another time.